I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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