Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
pop tarts are not kleenex
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
