wakey wakey hands off snakey
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
