If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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