i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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