You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
