I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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