why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
