My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
