I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
