You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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