Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
