You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
