You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The Olympian is in my bed
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