No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
