I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
