So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
