Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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