he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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