I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
