I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
