help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
