Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
