just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
