I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
