Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
