You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
