Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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