Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
