even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
