People in love make me want to vomit
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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