Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
