tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
