it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
