You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
