im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
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