I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
