I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You pole danced in your parka.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
