this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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