I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I am one with the molecules
I'm like, not good at living.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
