Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
