Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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