I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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