We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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