My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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