New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
