dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
time to smoke my breakfast
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
