There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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