I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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