If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
