i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
