saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
