I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
