i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
