im drinking this country out of the recession.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
P.S. I can't hear my feet
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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